SWIMMING: WHAT IS HAS DONE FOR ME AND HOW IT WILL DROWN YOU:

I AM THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET WHO KNOWS HOW TO SWIM. ANYBODY ELSE WHO TRIES DROWNS INSTANTLY AND THEIR SOULS ARE TRANSFERRED TO MY EVIL BOOGIE BOARD WHICH IS OFTEN IN CONTACT WITH MY GENITALIA. DID YOU ALSO KNOW THAT I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR 45 SECONDS? THAT'S 45 SECONDS MORE THAN YOU CAN BREATHE - LET ALONE HOLD YOUR BREATH! BEING ABLE TO HOLD MY BREATH HELPS ME FIGHT MY ENEMIES WHO DO NOT EXERCISE PROPER HYGIENE.

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